Reflections on Mother's Day

It's said that when a daughter marries, a mother doesn't lose a daughter; she gains a son.

But when my daughter married ten years ago, I felt I just lost a daughter.

It didn't help that we lived at opposite sides of the country. Phone calls became infrequent. Visits even fewer; two or three times a year, if lucky.

About four years ago, Tara and Ben moved to NY state from Utah.
My daughter and I were finally in the same state, but still more than four hours away by bus or car.

Matters improved little. I rarely saw Tara and had no communication at all with my son-in-law.
He was a stranger to me.

Then, last year, I decided to move from what had been "home" for my entire life -- New York City -- to upstate NY.

The decision was not an easy one. On the contrary, it was difficult.

I considered myself an independent woman, who, despite gripes about NYC, loved it.  It was after all, my "home." I had never wanted to live elsewhere. I loved my neighborhood, I loved Central Park, I was comfortable in my apartment which contained so many memories of my life and those of my daughter growing up.

But New York City is an expensive place to live -- especially when one is older and retired. I was bleeding money and resources and had to live on a tight budget.

I was also dismayed with many of the changes I was seeing in my neighborhood, as well as beloved, Central Park. More and more high rises going up, more crowds and more over-priced, trendy stores.  And it seemed the natural wildlife of Central Park was being pressured and "pushed out" to make room for and prioritize all manner of human activities and distractions.

Finally, I suffered a painful three-month bout of Shingles in 2017 that affected my right arm and left me struggling to accomplish even simple tasks. I realized for the first time, I was vulnerable.

But even more than these challenges, I mostly missed my daughter.

I missed our relationship -- and wondered where it has gone?

And so, as hard as it was -- and with the full help and support of Tara -- I finally bit the bullet and packed my belongings and cats and moved to Cortland, NY in early 2018. My daughter had found and helped secure a lovely apartment (close to shopping), complete with balcony, outdoor pool and other amenities and she drove to NYC to help me move.

I remember one moment, as the car headed towards the Lincoln Tunnel to exit NYC (perhaps for the last time for me), I thought, "I am not leaving NYC as much as it left me."

I did not look back.

I have been in Cortland a little more than a year now. It's a lovely, small city with less than 100,000 people. It's simple, unpretentious and in many ways, seems a throw-back to the 1950's.  It lacks the glitter and "excitement" of NYC, but I wasn't seeking those things anyway during later years.

But the best thing about living in Cortland is the proximity to my daughter and son-in-law who live in nearby Ithaca.  The days of holidays alone are gone as well as worrying how to lift something heavy or get to shopping outside of walking distance.

But even better than all this, is finally being able to watch a movie or TV show with my daughter and discussing afterwards and getting to know my son-in-law as a real human being and not just the person "who took my daughter from me."

 The truth is, we are not parents for just 18 years. We are parents for life.

And sometimes, we have to be willing to meet our kids halfway; give as well as expect. Listen as well as talk.

And so yes, it may have taken ten years and it may have required some hard lessons for me, but it is true that when your daughter marries, you don't lose a daughter; you gain a son.

You just have to willing to meet both in the middle.


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