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You know you have too much time on your hands when you sit around imagining the current crop of top Presidential candidates as fifth graders.
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But seriously, what were Bernie, Hillary, Donald and Ted actually like as kids?
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Let's indulge for a few moments and imagine them all in the same fifth grade class today.
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Donald Trump -- The Popular, Sharp, but Insecure Bully. Donald is the class clown. He always knows the cool thing to say and most of the time the other kids can't tell when he's joking or when he's serious. (Truth be told, Donald doesn't usually know himself.) As long as Donald is taunting someone else, he is fun and entertaining.
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"How are the bugs in Texas?" he asks the nerdy, aloof kid in the corner hiding his face in a book.
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No response.
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"Hey, sour puss, Ted. Why don't you go suck on some lemons? Oh, you already are."
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The other kids chuckle. But, Ted pays no mind to the barbs of Donald Trump. One day I'll show all of them, he confidently thinks to himself.
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Meanwhile, Donald is surrounded by a bunch of admiring chums. Donald is tough and Donald is strong. Donald knows exactly where to wound. But, most of all, Donald is never boring and Donald always makes them laugh.
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But, little do they know that they are the source of their friend's perceived "strength" as what most terrifies Donald is the thought of being alone and ignored. Alone without audience and alone without admirers is more threatening to Donald than death itself.
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Walking past Ted, Donald turns his attention and focus on the plain girl with glasses in the front row still peering into her history book long after other kids have left their seats.
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"Hey, four eyes, they ain't giving out extra awards today -- unless you expect the janitor to sweep you into the White House!"
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Suddenly embarrassed and exposed, Hillary Rodham forces a nervous smile and chirps, "Just killing time till softball practice. I plan to be a baseball player when I grow up."
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"Oh yeah? What 'cha gonna do about those two hills on your chest?"
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Everyone laughs.
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"Now, Donald," Hillary replies softly. "Hills never prevented anyone from hitting a ball. Do you need some help with math?"
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"Yeah, I need help from you like America needs jihadists! Go back to your book, chipmunk face. Just don't get your head stuck between the covers."
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But, later that evening, Donald calls Hillary for some tips on writing a book report for a book he didn't read. "You know, I didn't mean what I said earlier today."
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"No problem. I understand."
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Hillary tucks all this away for a later day. He needs her and that is OK.
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Later in the evening, Donald's mom enters his room, tucks him into bed and turns out the light.
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But, as soon as she leaves, Donald sits up, grabs his cell phone and spends half the night, tweeting and posting messages on Instagram.
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Anything, to not feel alone.
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Hillary Rodham -- The High Achiever Who Everyone Loves to Hate: Poor Hillary. She works so hard. She studies hard. She tries so hard!
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Hillary is exceptionally bright and gifted. She could figure out algebra when most kids were trying to remember multiplication tables. She knows and understands history better than her teachers. She can recite all the amendments of the Constitution backwards and forwards and she's only ten!
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Hillary has dreams that she dares tell no one -- not even her own parents.
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But, she also has need to be popular. And that comes much harder to her than scoring all "A's" on report cards.
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Hillary likes her classmates, but has trouble understanding them. Even less, she doesn't know how to please them -- though she tries. God, does she try.
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Hillary is always willing to help others with homework or anything they need (even that cruel and crass boy, Donald.) She has loaned out games and DVD's to other girls without ever asking for them back. She remembers birthdays. She joins clubs and sports teams in effort to make new friends. But Hillary always seems to come up a day late and a dollar short.
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It seems the more Hillary tries and the more she gives, (both of herself and material goods), the more others slip away.
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The other kids simply don't understand and trust Hillary's overtures to them. They assess them to be manipulative and with ulterior motive. The fact Hillary is so accomplished in classes and favored by teachers only adds to the suspicions and jealousies of her so sought friends. "What does she need us for?" they wonder. "She's got everything. Why should we trust or believe her?"
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What they don't realize is that more than anything else, Hillary most needs to be liked. She will spend the rest of her life pursing that -- and dreams of the White House that her nemesis, Donald, so perceptively grasped and targeted.
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Ted Cruz -- The Quiet One Languishing on the Top of the Mountain. Like Hillary Rodham, Ted Cruz is bright and ambitious with big dreams.
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Unlike, Hillary Rodham, Ted Cruz doesn't care whether he is liked or not by his peers. He cares about being respected.
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Ted is willing to crack the books and he takes special pride in attaining high marks and acing tests.
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The taunts of Donald and the others don't faze Ted as he considers them below him and not worth his attention or fuss. They don't possess his genius. They don't share his goals. Some day, while the others are getting drunk or high or flunking out in school, he'll be standing at the top of the mountain and he will be respected.
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What little Ted is blind to, however, is his own arrogance and sense of self-importance.
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They will cost him one day, but he will have no idea what happened or what hit him.
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His mistake was never looking down from the mountain to understand how the other half lives -- nor seeing the steep drop from the cliff's imperceptible edges.
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Bernie Sanders -- The Angry Boy on a Mission. Of all our fifth graders, Bernie Sanders, is the most puzzling and difficult to decipher. Either he is an "old soul" born with a left-over mission from past lives or he was rebuffed by a girl in the third grade and is still fuming.
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Though only ten, Bernie has strong ideas about what is right and wrong; what is fair and unfair, what is moral and what is corrupted.
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Bernie doesn't believe in "winners and losers" on sports or academic teams. It is rigged and and wrong that only "the top one percent" receive trophies and accolades. Everyone should receive praise and prizes.
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Bernie prides himself on defense of the bullied and oppressed.
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When hearing of Donald Trump's verbal taunts of other classmates, Bernie is quick to pick up the banner of self-righteousness and judgment.
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"It is absolutely wrong that this belligerent bully is allowed to pick on others! It's not funny and it's not tolerable! This is no place for hate and intolerance! Donald Trump should immediately be kicked out of the school!"
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Some of the kids support Bernie -- especially those who feel victimized.
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But, it's not clear if it is Donald Trump making them feel victim or Bernie Sanders.
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Though the four classmates are different, all are ambitious and see themselves on a world stage one day.
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One to be admired and adored by the masses, one to be respected and looked up to and one to start a revolution.
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And then there is the plain girl who works so hard for the validation and evidence to one day finally say, "You like me! You really, really like me!" -- PCA
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