Monday, January 19, 2009

Losing Self

I seem to be having a case of (non) writer's block.
Perhaps that's because there is so much going on in my head right now, I am not sure how to separate, "compartmentalize" and get some of it written down.

The conflict in my head seems to be between that of the personal me and the professional me that is only identified with animal rescue and placement issues.

Yesterday, I spent more than two hours in snow-covered Central Park with Tina and Chance. It was fantastically beautiful. Just the dogs, the snow, the music in my ears and me.

I loved the feeling of just being in peace and harmony with the world around me. In the park, I am just one more entity in nature. No more, no less than the sparrows in the trees or the ducks skirting between the ice flows on the water.

But, when returning home, I am once again met with the identities and obligations of my work.

The constant cleaning and trying to keep ahead of the pet hair that seems to gather everywhere, the kittly boxes, the need for more pet food, laundry and the flurry of all animal related phone calls.

During one of the conversations with a friend, I attempted to veer into other subjects, such as the upcoming inaugural of soon to be President Obama or even fluff type TV shows.

But, the friend kept returning the topic back to animals, saying to me, "I am obsessed about the dogs you have in boarding."

But, I don't know what to say about the dogs we have in boarding. I am of course, not happy to have dogs in boarding. I feel bad that, for the time being, they are not getting all that they need. I feel bad that one dog pulled out stitches after being neutered and had to go back to the vet. I feel bad that another rescuer's dog got sick and that could result in my dogs catching an infection. I feel bad that finding reliable fosters and committed adopters is especially hard right now -- especially for young, active dogs.

I especially feel bad about all the alerts we keep getting from Animal Control begging for rescuers to "Step Up" and "PLEASE!" save these dogs and those cats. (At least ten such alerts this morning.)

A part of me wants to run away from all this.

Like my dogs, I could literally spend the entire days in Central Park.

Even my best male friend now mostly calls to discuss or ask advice on animal related topics.

My head feels like its exploding.

I seem to have lost myself as a woman, an American or even a human being. -- PCA


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